i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
