"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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