You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
