you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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