dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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