Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
