In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize