I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Randomize
