so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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