you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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