Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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