I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
