So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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