I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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