# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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