Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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