Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
