connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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