I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
