wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
