omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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