Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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