Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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