It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
