im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
are you so shy because you have an std?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
