also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
of course. lets lasso hookers.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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