My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
