You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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