Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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