last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
