my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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