The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
