Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
