Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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