fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
