I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
