I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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