Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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