just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
