We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
