my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
