Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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