tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
