I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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