I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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