They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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