First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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