i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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