farters have to be the big spoon...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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