I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
