i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
