My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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