I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
