Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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