My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
