He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
