My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize