On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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