my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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