I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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