I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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