are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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