Jerry, you need to find god
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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