Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
