im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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